I pride myself on being a polite person. I cannot stand when people don’t have at least basic manners. But I worry that British politeness makes us less likely to be honest.
The first time I met my good friend Fiona it took maybe 45 minutes of polite coffee shop chat, with our mutual friend who had so kindly introduced us, before we started discussing what nightmares our mothers can be. On our walk home together we chatted merrily about therapy, healing and what a bloody slog it could all be. We had met mere hours before and there we were just launching into mild traumas and heartily bitching about family members.
And we both agree, that was how we knew we were each other’s people.
Because who wants small talk? The weather is either very shit or very good, let’s stop pretending we care either way.
When I ask ‘how are you doing?’ I mean it. I want to know. Because the chances are you haven’t told anyone that you’re actually feeling good, even less so if you’ve been feeling bad.
And honestly, I hate how apologetic we are in this country. It’s not politeness that’s keeping us from admitting when we don’t feel good or even feel great, it’s not wanting to make a fuss either way.
As someone who’s self self employed and child-free by choice, if I say I feel great, the cynics will admonish me. Of course I feel great, I routinely get 8 hours of sleep and don’t have a dickhead boss to deal with; I’m my own boss and I’m really very nice.
If I don’t feel well, then, really what have I got to complain about?
Someone with two kids isn’t as tired as someone with three kids, someone who works 16 hours can’t possibly feel as overworked as someone who works 40, and so on.
It’s not politeness, it’s just sweeping shit under the rug.
Now, I’m not just saying trauma dump to every person who checks in. But there’s no harm in saying ‘things have been a bit rough’ or ‘I’ve been struggling a bit, actually’. The people who can’t handle it will brush over it and you know they’re probably not the people for you when it comes to that stuff.
Here at Skip The Small Talk, we relish it.
Because let’s face it, the world can be a real, large-scale dumpster fire at times, can’t it? But it can also be pretty damn ace.
So, tell me. I want to know how you’re doing.